Courtroom Humor (from Internet)

How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?
Mr. Clark, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

I went to Europe, sir

And did you take your young wife?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Were you alone or by yourself?
Can you describe the individual?

He was about medium height and had a beard.

Was this a male or female?

I will show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.

That's me.

Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

By death.

And by whose death was it terminated?

How many times have you committed suicide? 4 times.
So you were gone until you returned?
She had three children, right?


How many were boys?


Were there girls?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
You say that the stairs went down to the basement?


And these stairs, did they go up also?

Lawyer: What device do you have in your laboratory to test alcohol content?   I have a dual column gas chromatograph, Hewlett-Packard 570A with flame ionization detectors.

Judge: Can you get that on mag wheels?

Only on the floor models.

Have you lived in this town all your life?

Not yet.

All you responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to?


Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Brown?

It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.  And Mr. Brown was dead at the time, is that correct?

No. He was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

What is your brother-in-law's name?

A. Borofkin.

Q. What's his first name?> A. I can't remember.

Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?

A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?

A. I refuse to answer that question.

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?

A. I refuse to answer that question.

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?

A. No.

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?

No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q. What is your name?

A. Ernestine McDowell.

Q. And what is your marital status?

A. Fair.

Q. Are you married?

A. No, I'm divorced

Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?

A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?>

A. Yes, sir.

Q. Before or after he died?

Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?

He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?

A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.