The Principles of Total Quality Management (TQM) -- determining who is the customer then meeting his needs, training then empowering workers, delivering quality on-time all the time, and management pushing to change the way work is done -- won't be seen in our lifetimes. Some principles of TQM are percolating thru the structure now -- meeting customers' needs, on-time delivery, -- and there is an outside possibility that we will see most of TQM implemented as the 'mode of operation' as the 'Quality Movement' from industry spreads to our lives. While waiting for the Paradigm to shift, take a look at the ZQM way of doing business that most businesses use, and have a little fun, as we look at ourselves...

ZERO QUALITY MANAGEMENT was founded on the Darwinian self-survival concepts, and in the late 20th Century was expanded to include the "Take the Money and Run", "Rip Off the Customer" and "Cover Your Butt" (CYB) philosophies.

1. TAKE A PIECE OF THE ACTION EVERY TIME. Any transaction that comes near you, grab a piece of it. If you are a bank, hold checks as long as you can. Make sure that the pay phones you own take the money without assuring the call, thereby making a 'slot machine' out of phone booth. If you make gas pumps, slow them to a crawl about $.25 before the end, so that some customers will not wait. Hook customers as if they were fish. (ZQM Rule #4). If you produce products, underbuild them: Design to break, after the warranty expires. Ensure that only your company can repair it. If you perform a service, leave something unfinished so the customers must return to pay again.


2. BUILD BARRIERS, ROADBLOCKS, AND TOLL-BOOTHS! Use what ever you can, Trickery, Stalls, Lies, Videotapes, Prejudice, Classism, Physical Superiority and whatever to gain respect and instill fear in others. Round up the trivial forces and block any ideas that won't help you. Yell to make your point: turn discussions into arguments and Win them by having lower blood pressure. Create Cognitive Dissonance. Clutter logic with irrelevancies. Add Noise to the Signal.


3. DELIVER ONLY WHEN YOU GET PAID! Preach on-time delivery, quality, honesty and trust, but take your payments in cash (#16). Hold back a little for the next time if you can. Don't give away free samples.





4. DEVELOP TRUST, CONFIDENCE, AND GOOD RELATIONSHIPS, THEN RIP THEM OFF. If you do retail marketing, hook the customers with price-leader', then raise the prices on everything else. Yell about unfair competition and shady business owners. If you can't sell 1 unit for a $1.00, repackage it into 4-units, and sell it for $5.00. Take advantage of the customers' natural instinct to save money by fooling them whenever you can. Betray Trust after you have gotten it: If you are a manager, do what benefits you, not the department of 'pinheads' you manage.




5. TAKE CONTROL OF THE SHOW: DON'T ENCOURAGE EMPLOYEES TO THINK ON THEIR OWN. They may cut you out or take a piece of their own. Make employees act like 'pinheads', then treat them as such to ensure your job security. Set it up so they work only on your direct orders. A dictatorship is the most efficient form of leadership. Scoff at TQM, shared governance, and worker empowerment.



6. DISCREDIT YOUR ASSOCIATES. Shoot down the deals of others if such deals won't help you. If they don't look good, ridicule them. Trip those who try to pass you. Keep your tail-gun loaded and use it a lot. Invalidate your associates to keep them behind you. Use 'sweet talk' and natural human gullibility to lull your enemies.



7. KEEP YOUR WEAPONS STRONG. The gun won the West. Keep up with the latest technology to make yourself effective.




8. BOG THE SYSTEM WITH DETAIL. Introduce issues, like race, and class, and justice into the conversation to hold off the big ideas that won't benefit you. If you have to be productive quickly, or have a lot of problems, divide your problems into Vital-Few and Trivial-Many categories and concentrate on the Vital-Few. Solving problems usually starts with getting the money.


9. DRAW CONCLUSIONS THAT WILL BENEFIT YOU, THEN GET THE DATA TO SUPPORT IT. If necessary, use "Politically Correct Ideology" to win your argument. If it's something that affects your well-being or safety, go with making decisions-based-on-facts. You don't want a P-C doctor working on your body, or a P-C Mechanic fixing your car. You're megalomaniacal but not stupid! (Rule #13)


10. TO THE VICTOR GOES THE SPOILS. Pretend that you are a Team Player, but always take the best shots. Everybody remembers that Wilt Chamberlain scored 100 points in a game. He helped himself, although his team lost the game. What are the names of the players on the other team that won? Go for yourself!





11. FIND THE BEST WAY TO "TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN." Steal, beg, and borrow the best ideas to make your ideas work. Be Creative. Set up an organization to help a certain group, cry out for justice, then rip everyone off, and laugh all the way to the bank.




12. MAKE BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO OTHER PEOPLE. Beg your enemies to give up their guns, then shoot them dead. Cover yourself for bad things happening to you. When they happen to your enemies, bulldoze it on top of them.




13. DON'T SCREW UP. Develop a well-thought out plan and follow it carefully. Use the Deming Plan-Do-Check-Act as a problem-solving tool. Borrow ideas from TQM while you continue to deride it.




14. COUNT THE MONEY YOURSELF. And until you have cash-in-hand, you have nothing.





15. KISS UP TO THE CUSTOMER. Kiss up to the people who give you the money. Remember who is your customer, and give them what they need.




16. DELIVER FOR CASH. Take only Cash or Cashier's Check when you deliver.






17. CONTINUOUSLY IMPROVE ON THE ABOVE POINTS. Practice ZQM every day and find better ways to rip off the customer while keeping your butt covered. (#13).





Note from the author: